Have you ever experienced the situation when you wanted to have sex but unsure if she was in the mood? Have you ever been in a situation that, at some point in the evening she signals to you that “she is on” but later on when time comes, she turns cold? Do you feel frustrated because you are unsure how to turn the heat on again?
Let me share with you an idea that you can try to get that heat back on again and get her in the mood.
Learning to be sexually assertive is a very big challenge for a lot of men, because it does not come naturally.
In reality, most men can be very timid when approaching this matter, even for guys that are very extroverted when talking to women in other situations. Even men in relationships can find it intimidating to be sexually assertive with the women in his life.
A big part of the problem is the fear of rejection or humiliation. What could be worse than acting like Casanova, only t be turned down?
What do you mean by sexual assertiveness? Let us clear away the confusions that some men have about this. Sexual assertive is not sexually “pushy”, it is not sexually “insistent” and it is not sexually “aggressive” or “demanding” either. In other words, it is not being a total jerk that goes for what he wants without caring how she feels.
So, what exactly is sexually assertive and how do you make it work for you? In fact this is opposite of sexually tentative which is what most men are doing by nature.
Here are two examples – one verbal and one physical to show you the difference between “assertive” and “tentative” and why the first turns women on, while the other is a big turn-off.
Suppose you are sitting with your arm around her, you feel horny and want to have sex. You could ask her in many ways. You could say it jokingly with a comical expression on your face and say “want to get it on, babe?”
You could deliver the same message in a way as if you are unsure or you are bored and perhaps “doing it” might be fun idea. She will almost certainly shrug her shoulders and reply “I am not really in the mood” or “I do not know”.
Because no woman wants to have sex with a guy who sends out mixed signals which may mean either he is interested or just want to do something to kill his time. Even if she was in the mood, you might kill it by asking in this way.
From these 2 examples you can see that your woman takes her emotional cue from you. If you are making it funny, she will think it is funny. If you are indifferent, she will feel indifferent. Her emotions will usually follow the man’s.
The sexually tentative guy will ask the question, hoping she will say yes but deep inside he has no confidence of his own sexual attractiveness that he is half-certain that she will say no. he may ask it in a half-hearted manner and do not dare to make eye-contact. He may even do it half jokingly because he does not dare to go all out totally. In case of rejection, he can save his ego by saying he is just joking only.
In her eyes, this guy does not even have the guts to express clearly what he wants. In reaction to his confusing and wishy-washy behavior, she will get herself out of the situation and choose to believe this is a joke which the guy regrets he does not mean it. His “excuse” becomes her excuse. His emotion (tentative) triggers an emotion in the woman (revulsion).
On the other hand, a sexually assertive guy will ask the question in a way that is more of a statement than a question. He is comfortable with his desire and is certain that she is going to enjoy it too. He will look directly into her eyes and get close enough to make her feel the heat of his desire because he is comfortable with his desire. He is confident he can turn her on when he says in a quiet but firm manner, “Let’s go babe.”
Guess what, if you do this correctly, what will she say?
She will be speechless, stare back at you, with her eye pupils dilate, her skin flush and her mouth slightly opens waiting for your kiss. A big part of this is not what you say, it is how you say. This is to a large extent determined by the emotional state of your mind while you bring your message across.
Women are extremely sensitive to this “subtle under-current” and body language and she can feel it when you possess the confident thoughts of a sexually assertive man. If you have deep doubts, she will hear it in the unsteadiness of your voice, in the tentative feel of your touch, or in the way you are afraid to have eye-contact with her.
Now, let us go to the second example – a purely physical approach.
You sit beside her with your arm around her in a calm, confident and gentle way, not sexually “aggressive” or “pushy”, but still assertive about what you want. You might stroke her hair or push it back from her eyes, may be you run the back of your hand across her cheek, or stroke her face and lips with the tips of your fingers.
You know how much girls love to be touched and how much they love to have a man’s hands on them. You never let her break free from the intensity of your gaze. You get closer to her with your whole body because you have no shame about your own sexual desire. You move in close, pause for a moment, and without saying anything, you start to kiss her passionately. The good thing here is that the act of kissing by itself is sexually assertive enough.
In general, women have a lot of respect for men who behave in this way. Most women will tell you that they prefer it when a man just kisses them without saying anything. Of course, this is not applicable when she does not know you well and she has not decided if you are her Mr. Right.
On the other hand, you may go for this tentative approach. You move a bit closer to her slowly but unsure if the timing is right. You do not dare to look in her eyes, you lean your head forward while keeping the rest of your body as far away from her as possible so that she “does not get the wrong idea” and think you are not a “gentleman” and then you plant a light kiss on her cheek. This may work initially but in a relationship, a tentative kiss gets boring very quickly and it is not going to lead to action in the bedroom.